Many a times I get questions from on how to identify infidelity in a married woman. Some unmarried men wanted to know how to know about adulterer and cruel women beforehand. Whereas cruelty and adultery or infidelity are two different things and the signs are also different but some of the signs can be matched.
To identify a cheating wife one needs to have good eyes and ears and a sixth sense that normally women claim to have. Also nowadays moral values of people are so degraded that many qualities that were not acceptable a few years back, have become acceptable today. For example, today’s youth are open to live-in relations and break up. Rather they want to celebrate break up and move on in life. Sticking to one girl / boy friend is considered passe’. Those who do that are considered losers. Pre-marital sex is no issue for most and both the sexes just want to enjoy sex and hence they get intimate even over a dinner. This sexual revolution is largely possible because of revolution in contraceptive methods and removing the taboo from sex, extra marital affairs and single mothers. Also in most cases the boys have to bear the brunt of maintaining illicit children they father or even did not (in adultery cases). So girls can engage in extra marital encounters very often and even without any protection.
To identify any woman in extramarital relation we need to understand the psychology that works in adultery. It is the desire to experiment. Experiment new things in life. Now the way sexual attraction works in these two genders are different. Men get attracted to women easily by their physical beauty, they do not consider other things that easily. Whereas a girl’s sexuality works very differently and it is more complex. When their was stigma associated to pre-marital sex, pre-marital pregnancy, abortion, sex outside marriage or single parenthood we did not experience so many adultery cases. But today things have changed a lot.
Let me tell you that even if your spouse had pre-marital sexual relations and you have evidences of all those relations, you will not have any legal recourse. So you just need to forget everything. But it is better to avoid such girls for your marriage. Such affairs may be fun during pre-marriage days, but it is extremely dangerous after marriage. In most of the cases, these lead to either suicide or murder or both. Even if the moral values of both the spouse are same, you really don’t want to run a prostitution racket from your home. Someone who was addicted to sex before marriage is likely to lose control again and get into adultery.
Now it may sometime happen that your wife was initially faithful to you and your family. But over the years she may get into some extramarital relation or you may marry a girl who already had a steady boyfriend. Nowadays boys and girls mingle freely, the line of control of friendship and ‘sex-buddy’ship is blurred. You never know when a girl is just chatting with a male friend in her closed room, or when they are getting physical.
Read everything you want to know about Adultery – Here
When you live with a woman under one roof, you will always get those signals of infidelity of your wife. Some of the signs to look out for are –
- When she talk over phone for long time – You need to observe the trend, mark her words, expressions. It may so happen that she is just sitting in front of you and chatting with a male friend but tells you that she is chatting with her female friend. Now you may think that these happen only secretly, but it may also happen openly in front of your eyes. If you have already seen other manipulative attitude before, beware.
Now the discussion or sometime the voice from other side will tell you whether it is a girl or a boy. Don’t be too much picky initially. Just show as if you don’t care as it is better to just avoid these long calls for a few days while you just keep an eye on her but don’t tell her that you are doing so. If you are too much curious, you may just ask casually but never make it sound like suspicion. Then you start showing irritation and ask her not to do that when you are around, as you two are not having ‘quality‘ time together. If you are paying her mobile bills you will know whether her talk time is increased. She may tell you stories about how ill or in how much difficulty one of her family members or friends is but you should know what to believe and what not. Just make a call to them to express your concern as well to understand what the other side is saying. Make some points in your mind and verify them. Also if she laughs, grins etc while talking, you know it can’t be that the other person is in danger.
2. When the call comes at any hour of the day – Observe if the calls come only at one particular time of the day or just anytime of the day. To understand this, just change your own schedule all of a sudden, take sudden leave from office, change your working hours suddenly, come back during lunch or may be earlier than usual time. Never, I repeat never tell the reason to her. Just observe. You may be completely wrong in your suspicion. So wait. Patience is the key. Men / boys are very restless, they get restless when they are into adultery with someone else’s wife. So observe the trend.
- When she receives frequent SMSs – She will say these are from her female friend. Note the name. The name may change or stick to only her best friend. Allow this to continue while you just observe the timing and frequency and how long she takes to read each message, how diligently she reads the message, how her facial expression changes. Everything matters…EVERYTHING..Observe and remember. If you see that too many SMSs are coming then that may be a danger sign. Too many long messages can also be danger signs. Now she may forward some of those messages to you as well. Don’t be surprised if those are sexually explicit message. Nowadays sexual jokes between friends of different genders are very common.
If you see these SMSs are increasing and there is no sign of reduction, then raise this concern with her and note her answer. Do it a few times on different occasions and note the answers. Look for discrepancy there, but don’t let her know anything or don’t raise alarm bell. Always remember, only patience can help you.
- When that call / SMS started coming at odd hours, may be middle of the night or past midnight – There is a time that is very personal to you. Don’t ever allow anyone, including her family members to cross the line. If anyone sends her a message at 12 midnight and your normal time of sleep is 11pm, then ask questions. Well not too hard. Ask if someone is in danger. If it is happening too frequently, raise alarm, show dislike.
When she never keep her mobile away from her, she carries it even to toilet – Does she carry her mobile to toilet even for small breaks. Does she carry it when she is going to take bath. Get alert. Ask appropriate questions and stay alert to see if she continues that. Sure sign of something fishy, and almost certainly it is some affair.
When she lies to others for no reason – When you observe the pattern of call, SMS timing, call duration, her expression, words exchanged etc and the name of the other side she tells you, you need to decide what to believe and what not. To do that effectively you need to understand how she behaves with others around you over phone. How she talks with her mother, brother or may be colleague. If you observe that she is telling lies to others for no reason, be alert but don’t tell her anything. If this has been her habit you should have been cautious long back. If this trend of lying is recent, then start observing. If these lies are told to her nearest ones, be assured that she had been a frequent liar to you as well, but you may not always notice.
When she misbehaves with you, for no reason – If you have nuclear family of only two of you and she misbehaves with you and the frequency increases, be cautious. Try to reason her out but no reasoning may be enough for her. When she behaves like this with your family members who doesn’t live with you that is second review point for you. Understand your value is decreasing in her life. If she becomes physically abusive and orally violent start recording everything.
When you see problem between her parents – If she has perfect parents but suddenly there is huge rift between them and either her mother or father leaves the home, tries to commit suicide or do something drastic. Be very alert. It may be related to her. Try to know the reason but if she hides things from you, you should know that something is fishy. Now this will again depend on how well you know them, and for how long you know them and most importantly how you can analyze situations.
When she tries to show that adultery / pre-marital sex etc happen only in lower or upper class – Did you see the headline of how a husband is murdered by the wife and paramour? Did you see how the husband has committed suicide for adulterous wife? If there is a news on newspaper, and you suspect your wife in adultery, please read the news to her. See her reaction. She will not react much, instead she will try to avoid this by saying – “This happens only in lower class or upper class etc” and move on. You know what she is hiding. This will work perfectly when you know she is having a tendency of lying for no reason.
Mood swings – Do you observe her sudden mood swings? Well these may be hormonal issue and women have a lot of these issues nowadays. But some of these may be related to something that she is trying to hide something. Be cautious. Offer to take her to a doctor and see her reaction.
When she gets violent if you touch her mobile – She is trying to hide something that is there in her mobile.
When she does not want to change to a post paid number – Offer her to take a post paid number, you may offer to pay for that or take that number in your name but let her use that while you pay the bill. She will clearly protest and say NO. You know what is cooking.
When she goes out to her parents house frequently – Do you see any change in this trend? Is it more frequent now without any reason? If she tells you any reason, before taking that against her you verify it yourself. Do you see her staying for long time in her parents’ house without any reason?
Her parents lying to you – When they do it either they are habitual liars and hence you are already in soup. or they are trying to hide something very recent. Analyze if they have any recent crisis. Understand if it is for their daughter.
When she avoids having Sex with you – If it is after first delivery, discuss this with her. Alternately offer to discuss jointly with a doctor. If she violently protests, give her sometime and then you consult a doctor. Is it deliberate? Did she ever ridicule or show disinterest while having sex? Or is she ridiculing you while having sex? If she does, tell her politely to change. try to make her understand. If she continues like this, openly says she hates having sex with you, or avoids all sex. Observe her closely. Is she masturbating on her own? Observe her. Clear sign of avoidance, cruelty and infidelity. Don’t ignore.
Is she satisfied with sex – When a woman is satisfied, she ejaculates. How frequently does it happen? Do you still find her vagina dry even after long foreplay and is it different from what you used to observe earlier? Try to understand the reason. Mostly it is that, she is not interested. Did she ever complain that you have raped her? Or she doesn’t want to bear your child ever? NEVER ignore these signs, even if she has said these in anger. May be she is already cheating on you. Does she say after a sex – oh is it done..good go to sleep and quickly goes to sleep like a machine.
When she forces you to use condoms when you are supposed to try for a baby – So, she doesn’t want to bear your child and that is clear. Even if she says otherwise, her action says she doesn’t want a child, either now or ever. Understand what is true, discuss and decide.
When she suddenly forces you for sex, and ejaculate in her – If she is by nature avoiding type, and is cruel to you, avoids sex with you and forces you to use condoms and then one day you suddenly see her forcing you onto her to have sex and ejaculate within her…. and you get the news of a child in her after sometime, get the DNA test of the child done secretly. Do it within six months when you can take the baby out all by yourself and he / she can’t speak or react. Never raise this matter with her beforehand or raise an alarm. This is sure shot sign of her adultery.
When she goes out with her friends but not with you – She is trying to avoid you. Don’t beg, have other girl friends. Is she jealous? If not, she has lost interest in you. It doesn’t matter to her if you are around. She starts avoiding you in movies, sudden get together etc. Discuss with her and try to find out reason.
20 When she avoids your family altogether – Does she avoid your family members phone calls? Does she criticize them for no reason? Does she always do that. This only means there is no value for your family to her. She has gone away from you.
- When she doesn’t accept name given to her baby by your family – She may not openly disagree, but you see she keeps the name of her choice, even the pet name. She completely ignores the traditions of your family and follows some strange tradition. Take guard, protest. If they vigorously protest, they all have gone away. May be her parents know of her adultery too.
When you are ill-treated / avoided by her parents as well – If they ill treat you for no reason, they are just using you and there is no value for you to them. They care only until you earn and take care of their girl. Retaliate if they retaliate harder and nastier, you know you have zero value to them. You may be given the worst room to sleep, you may be asked to sleep on the ground, or may be given only tea when you arrive hungry after a few days. Don’t ignore these signs of ill-treatment and protest.
When you see your wife showing her cleavage in public or becoming close to strangers – If this happens while she avoids sex with you, that means she is sexually not satisfied. Try to do something different, mend the ways..but if she does not. You know she is missing her paramour and is not interested in you, no matter what you do.
When she becomes violent – Does she shout when you take that call from office? Does she throw objects at home? Does she want to hurt you? Does she yell for no reason and say she hates you? Careful. If this change is recent and too much, this may be sign of potential criminal cases against you or a sign of forthcoming crime, may be murder.
She calls you up frequently, check where you are – If she does this without you being unfaithful, remember that she is actually cheating on you. The cheaters are very cautious and hence they try to confirm your whereabouts before they meet their paramour. So if you suspect anything, tell lies to her and verify her details instead. Be clever not to get caught on wrong side.
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