For the last few years, Indian men’s rights activists are getting an increased number of cases involving wives denying sex to their husbands. It has become a disease with more and more women marrying men without any love and only for their money and property. With increased provisions of mingling with the opposite sex and the shame related to extra-marital affairs going away; women are experimenting with sex more and having more sexual partners today.
This is evident in the increased number of cases mentioning adultery in the divorce petitions. However, after removing adultery as a crime under section 497, the spouses no longer care. Even earlier, under IPC 497, most cases didn’t end up in conviction because of stringent legal requirements to prove the same. Experienced MRAs know that winning divorce cases based on adultery was very difficult even when IPC 497 was in place and men were forced to go for out of court settlement and most often paying alimony to adulterous wives.
We have found many murders happening in intimate relations when the wife goes out of the way to have such relations. In most of such adulterous relations, women deny sex to their husbands with whom they might have got married for money or social status but did not accept them as husbands. Most often it is found that these women get married due to social pressure, or to extort money from rich men. Rich men with elderly parents or a single parent become an easy target for such women. These are the women and families who know our laws very well and understand how to manipulate the man’s family to their benefit. The husbands, on the other hand, undergo extreme cruelty and in many cases are either forced to commit suicide, commit a crime or get murdered.
It is a matter of pain for any man to accept the fact that his wife denies sex with him. In a recent case, the couple got married through a matrimonial website and then the wife didn’t allow the husband to have any physical relation. Even when they went abroad for the honeymoon the man was not allowed to touch her and as a result, they had a very bitter matrimonial relation. This relationship ended in the mysterious death of the husband and an injured wife. Allegedly the husband wanted to kill the wife but committed suicide after failing to do that.
The cruelty that a man has to undergo under such denial of sex by the wife is extreme. It is a direct challenge to his own sexuality. Ignorant of this growing trend, many men undergo tremendous stress. This stress increases when one has a beautiful wife who does not allow him to touch her. If this happens immediately after their marriage the man totally loses all hopes in himself and suffers from a crisis of his own self-esteem. As a result, he tries even harder to prove his masculinity and show that he is sexually able-bodied. The frustration that one undergoes under such situations is unimaginable. Their basic identity as a man becomes at stake when they are denied sex by their wives. In such cases, men go to other women or prostitutes to prove to themselves that they are not impotent.
The complication increases when the wife is good looking and amazingly gorgeous and she denies sex immediately after their marriage. In these cases, men are also prohibited to go out to other women for sex because their wives are better looking. These men do not find other women attractive. Such men suffer from deep-rooted crises in their lives that force them to prove their manhood. Such men always think that the bad patch in their relationship will get over in due course of time. When that does not happen and days pass on, their frustration level increases as their identity as men becomes under question.
These men who are denied sex by wife cannot discuss these issues with any of their male friends. This is because the men who are already suffering from low self-esteem do not want to damage their esteem any further. In a recent survey by the International Center for Research on Women (ICRW) found that a very high percentage of Indian men feel inferior when they are together with their friends.
These men also fear that their male friends will take advantage of this situation or will think of them as impotent and that is the reason they don’t share such issues with their male friends.
In such situations, if these abused men have any good female friends they may discuss their problem else they may also try to discuss with any other female members (like bhabhi, sister etc) in their family. But most Indian men have a tendency of not seeking any advice for their personal problems. In their survey on Indian masculinity ICRW researchers have found that only 11% of Indian men seek help when in distress –
The percentage of Indian men seeking help in distress is one of the lowest in the world. One of the reasons for this is that Indian men are taught to be brave and to withstand their pains when in distress. They are prohibited from crying or seeking help from their childhood as they are taught to be providers and protectors for the weaker section and especially the children and women. But these men are never taught to save themselves. This is the reason when such men have problems in their personal life they can’t seek help easily from anyone.
There is another reason behind men not seeking help. It is because of their own mentality, that tells them that anyone seeking help is weak and Indian men are always told not to portray themselves as weak.
Complications for such men increases when their wife not only denies sex but also spends most of her time in her parental home or continue her pre-marital lifestyle. In many cases where such women have another affair and who get married only for the money or property of the man, not only avoids the husband but also avoids all his relatives. These women do not do any of the household chores and expect the husband to do everything for them. In most of these cases, it is found that such women are abusive to their husbands and his family.
Sometimes women who had a painful experience in the first sexual encounter or some women who are unnecessarily afraid of sex may also exhibit the same behaviour. While these denials happen at the initial few days of marriage but can be rectified by expert counselling or by partner love. However, such women who are afraid of sex do not exhibit any other forms of cruelty like being abusive towards the husband or are found to deny sex after the birth of their child. Lumley, 1978 described this as a syndrome for women who experienced pain during their first childbirth. They develop a fear of pregnancy and hence reject or decrease their sexual activities. Working or career women who are more focused on their career rather than their family also display such aversion to sex after first childbirth because of the pain and career loss associated with childbirth.
In my experience, many husbands tolerate such decreased sexual activity or denial of sex by the wife for the sake of their family and children. They can divert their attention to their children and well being of their family rather than sex and try to avoid the discomfort of decreased sexual activity.
It is very important for a man to understand why his wife is denying sex. If one suspects his wife of having an extramarital relationship, one should verify the same with other syndromes of an adulterous wife –
Read – Is your wife in adultery?
Once he finds out that his wife is in an extramarital relation, he should immediately contact an MRA or Indian MRA helpline.
It is very important to note that such cases force a husband to either commit a crime or to commit suicide. Ignoring such cases will increase the pain for the husband and eventually he may be killed by the wife and her lover. In many cases, these husbands take the extreme step when they come to know that the best legal recourse they can expect is a peaceful, no maintenance divorce. Many husbands find that as legal abuse and can not withstand the partiality by the legal system. It is important for Indian men to understand that wife denying sex to the husband is a rapidly growing phenomenon in India.
In all such cases, men need to keep patience and contact MRAs as soon as possible to find a solution. No one else other than MRAs can help men in such cases as MRAs are experienced in dealing with such cases daily. It is not possible to discuss the remedy in detail here as there are many aspects of such cases and one can be counselled only based on one’s case details. However, some of the articles written in adultery series may help the reader to get more knowledge on this matter.
Hope my articles are useful for Indian men. If you find them useful, please do share them with your friends and spread the knowledge.
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All the best!!