On May 24, 2014 Elliot Rodger a 22-year-old lad killed six and injured seven others in Santa Barbara area. In the video below he explained the reason. He was rejected by girls over eight years and hence he has killed them. In his other videos on his YouTube channel he has shown how he was becoming a bored lonely and rich guy who wanted love and affection in life –
image – youtube
The reason I am compelled to write about this incident is because the root cause of this incident is deep-rooted elsewhere that we need to discuss immediately. Else the same phenomenon is likely to catch up in India as well.
While the parents of victims are blaming the gun rights in US, the social cause plaguing today’s youth is never looked into. This sense of being appreciated and accepted by others is there in all of us. In his age-old theory of Abraham Maslow also depicted the same. The famous Maslow’s Hierarchy theory he explained that after our basic physiological needs (like food, shelter etc.) are satisfied we need to satisfy our safety needs. When we fulfil both the needs we want to be loved by someone. This makes us feel social, gives us a reason to live.
Going by Rodger’s profile we find that he was extremely rich (son of a Hollywood director) and a handsome guy. He drove a BMW and also was capable of spending a fortune. But still he was being rejected by hot girls with whom he always wanted to be.
While dating and relationship experts can explain this as a friend zone syndrome or may be a boy zone syndrome I will only restrict this article only to the social angle of some of our needs.
Due to my research on gender issues affecting India today, I have observed that it is a mindset that is created in our youth that fun only means is to have party. Party means boozing, dancing with opposite sex and at the end of it having one night stand. This is the mindset created by western media and carefully inculcated in India. The people who do not do these in their life are branded as boring or timid personalities. They are not accepted socially by many. Our relationships today are started and finished in night clubs and pubs and no wonder why they break easily, too like the western world.
One of my close friends who is a single mother child and who experienced all of these and have a lot of friends recently told me that he wants to commit suicide. He also has many girlfriends but still he is lonely. He does not find any meaning of this life as he has already experienced everything in 32 years of life and hence he wants to commit suicide.
India as country was never like this. It is our family system that has always given us strength to counter all of these negative effects and emerge stronger. However, US never had this strong family system. They know how to make money but can’t provide emotional strength to their children. The same phenomenon is catching up India as well. Our youth who earn a lot and can spend a fortune thinks that drinking and partying are the only pastime one lively person should have. So they go for more partying, have more friends but in the end they still remain without the moral support of being together. If somehow they are dumped by the people from opposite sex they feel their life is a waste.
Since I have worked with such people and tried to understand the issue and provide solution to all those affected people I know that the solution has to come from within. In this aspect Maslow has already given us solution –
If you are one such person who feels lonely and rejected, if you have recently been cheated by your spouse or partner you need to carefully re-look at your life’s vision. You need to carefully take yourself to the next level of Maslow’s hierarchy and fulfill the needs of that level. However, it is not easy. One who is not loved or feel lonely at heart may not always fulfill the desire of higher levels. This is the reason we need support from friends, family and acquaintances. I suggest you can take help of meditation as well.
One simple tip to overcome this is to indulge yourself in something creative. For example, take up photography lessons, go for scuba diving, learn dancing or may be join painting classes. You may also join some social cause, go for gym, hiking, trekking and never bother about your love needs. Remember you should only concentrate on positive things in life and not negative things. In this way, if you can identify the area of your interest you can easily excel in that area and you may not need love and affection from opposite sex afterwards. This is because you will get recognition through your own creativity and work.
When you fulfill your Self esteem or self actualization needs as explained above you will be accomplished as a person and you may find your love as well. I know many men who have emerged stronger after their relationship broke. They are happily single or some of them are married too.
Dear men and boys, you don’t need women to be successful. Also money, fame, liquor or unlimited sex is not all that we need. Explore the world, there are many other beautiful things waiting for all of us and you really need not hate anyone to be successful or be accomplished. See the magic of life yourself. It has so much to offer other than girls and sex.