Marriages through matrimonial websites are a necessity today. As the two genders get more chance to mingle, the gap between two genders only widen. As relationship barriers to distinguish between a friend, paramour and a husband gets blurred out, more and more people get to these websites to find out their potential mates. But most of these relationships result in divorce.
So what are the factors that one can look into before one can select one’s soul mate through these websites? In a recent survey of the people who went through a rocky divorce after getting married through matrimonial websites, The Male Factor team has come to know about some of the best practices that one can follow. Even though these factors may not be enough but these can give some guidelines to the prospective brides and grooms in their endeavour to search their partners.
Pre-marriage courtship
It was found in all cases of failed marriages, that the parties hardly met each other before marriage. There was hardly one or two F2F interactions before the marriage was finalized. So there was no chance of them to know each other. It was more difficult for them to gauge the other person’s mentality, behaviour, likes, and dislikes. In cases where the person had the interaction of 100 hours or more, it was found that these were only through online chat or knowing them from a distance.
Psychologists and marriage counselors suggest that the couples should get to know each other for at least 1.5 years in F2F dates twice a week with each date extending for 2-3 hours. This time is needed to know each other personal preferences and behavior that helps the couple in future bonding.
Most of the survey respondents complained that they didn’t know their partner well before getting married.
Location/language no barrier
It was found in the survey that couples with failed marriages did not have any language or locational barrier in most cases. In many cases, there was no other difference (like caste, religion etc.) as well.
The factors that attracted the respondents
Here are some of the factors listed by the male respondents as reasons for selecting their previous spouse.
Factors like her – look, job, cool nature, high respect for grooms family before marriage, willingness to be a part of our family, education, culture, personality (look and silent nature), intelligence, innocence, generous and kind to people, acceptable thoughts, open and jolly nature etc. were the deciding factors for men.
The respondents also told the factors they considered in the bride’s family while selecting the bride. These are – Same caste, poor and humble family, father/mother a teacher, frank and open-minded nature (later turned out to be fake in many cases), limited social circle, educated, same social background, simple living, well-natured family, self-made etc.
It is observed in one case that the respondent knew the girl and her family for around 7200 hours before their marriage and found her behaviour to have changed after marriage.
If we look at the above factors closely we will find that the survey respondents have taken care of almost every factor one could look for, yet they had suffered a broken relationship. Only one factor that was found common in most cases barring a few, is very less to nil F2F interaction between the two families. In many cases, the respondents went ahead without even interacting with her family or without caring to know about them since they thought it was the girl who mattered the most.
Factors that experts say a ‘No’-‘No’ while selecting a girl
Experts who handle such cases and help the male victims by counseling them to say that a man needs to be careful about the girls who –
- Hide any information
- Boast about their rejection criteria of boys
- Highly qualified but not earning
- Reside in faraway location from that of the boy
- Go out with friends with common friends or in groups
- Ask for well-earning grooms
- Give you late replies on Whatsapp
- Doesn’t share social media profiles
- Are from affluent families, have politicians, lawyers, judges, police in their families
Almost all the respondents agreed that girls very often post fake profiles on websites. To be cautious one would need to verify their hard proofs of all documents. (Ever heard of background verification that big companies do?)
This survey revealed that in most cases, the men got married to the girls simply based on their physical beauty and did not do any background verification. They got married in a hurry within a few weeks of knowing each other. While most of the victims have agreed that a thorough background verification with physical verification of all original documents is a must.
Male counselling experts thus have words of caution for men trying to get married through online websites. Veteran male counsellor Mr Swarup Sarkar who has counselled hundreds of such victims suggests –
“Meeting girl’s mother and sister is a must. If they are dominating in nature you are going to face the problem. Check the relation her mother had with her own in-laws and her own family. If her mother did not have a good relation with her in-laws, rest assured, she is also not going to give any respect to your parents or other relatives. Ask her how many times does she go to paternal relatives and how many times she goes to maternal relatives in a year.”
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The Male Factor (TMF) 
Well there should be a girl’s version of this article. Pointer mentioned are really helpful for both however regarding the background and family check, that should be done for both the guy and girl!
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Indeed…a woman ought to look past a man’s financial portfolio and men need to look past the superficial beauty of women. I know this will never happen, but this is where most relational mistakes are made.
A man’s wealth fluctuates with the market and depends upon his ability to safeguard and maintain it, while a woman’s beauty is a depreciating and fleeting asset. In the end, both sexes are destined for disappointed when this is all the relationship is based upon.
It has been noted, however, that there are five primary qualities that women find attractive in men: Power, status, athleticism, handsome appearance and wealth. This is universal, so little has changed over space and time regardless of the culture or the age.
Now, this is not to say that women are blind to men who are responsible, like children, have moral integrity and who have pleasant personalities, but although these are qualities she may appreciate and admire – they are not qualities she finds “attractive”, hence she will not choose a mate based upon them. Perhaps these are qualities she hopes for, but she will only hope to see these qualities in men she already finds attractive, hence all other men are lost to her and will never show up on her radar screen.
Let the buyer beware: Women do not marry men based on their moral fiber and they do not fall in love with men because of their characters. They love men based on his ability to provide her with what she wants and how he and his assets make her feel about herself. It’s as simple as that. Little wonder women often complain about the men they marry and why it is so easy for them to make false allegations against them. It is unfortunate, but most men would be invisible to women if it weren’t for his assets.
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Good one Partha. Most of the times boys fall prey to girls lurking in these websites and spoil their life. The most important thing I also feel for a guy is to have enough interaction with girls to actually understand how she is.
Most of the time girls are too cunning to let guys know of their actual intentions. Also, they will hide their actual character initially till the guy actually falls for her (Pyaar ka punchnama is a movie based on this and depicts the actual truth of this matter).
The best funda…. do not start any relationship with a girl till u actually are able to see through these veils. The more you understand their motives , etc the better the chances that you will be able to judge and find a good girl for yourself. Finally I would like to say:
“Jaani ye chaku hai…. kat jaye to KHOON nikal aata hai”. So, first learn the dangers of a knife before actually using it.
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“…do not start any relationship with a girl till u actually are able to see through these veils. The more you understand their motives , etc the better the chances that you will be able to judge and find a good girl for yourself.” – Saurabh
What you said is true, my friend, but let us never forget Briffault’s Law:
“The female, not the male, determines all the conditions of the animal family. Where the female can derive no benefit from associations with the male, no such association takes place.”
Said another way…women will associate with virtually any man as long as she benefits from that association. Should those benefits become scarce or they cease to exist – so will her association with him.
So, when it comes to grooms, brides only see his value in terms of social capital and dollars and cents. She is often faithful to her original family and her children, but her groom will always be walking on thin ice – having to prove himself and perform at all times.
It would seem, therefore, that even “good” girls are hypergamous mercenaries when it comes to the game of “love”, hence the guy she marries doesn’t matter as much to her as what he brings to the table. This seems to be the way of the woman, so when men are contemplating marriage – they would do well to remember a woman’s basic nature and natural tendencies, before making any decisions.
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PUMP & DUMP unless they prove they are worthy of a man’s commitment.
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Dheeraj:
I am unfamiliar with the term “pump and dump”. I understand what is meant by “dump”, but I do not know what you mean by “pump”. Please advise.
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Dheeraj…Part 2:
I found the definition of “pump and dump” in an urban dictionary:
“One who purposely fornicates with another, while not intending to see them in the future. Like a conquest.”
So, your solution to this quandary is to fornicate with women, and then leave them high and dry – if you determine (at some point) that they are unworthy of a marital commitment. How convenient.
May I ask how an honorable woman is able to prove that she is worthy of your marital commitment? Will you require her to devalue herself in your bed, just as you do her undeserving sisters, whom you dump later?
Moreover, how on God’s green earth are you able to demand a virtuous and honorable bride, when you openly advocate fornication with women of dubious character? Does this not cast judgment on your own character and incriminate you as well?
I just read that quite a few notable countries have India listed at the top of their travel advisories in 2015. It would seem that a lot of the “red flags” have to do with the inability of Indian males keeping their hands to themselves and their “dicks” in their pants.
One may argue that India’s problems with overpopulation, rape, fornication, sexual assault and its “pump and dump” mentality – all stems from an unhealthy attitude of male superiority and an obsession with sexual conquest. Until the land of the kamasutra comes to terms with its hyper-sexualized libido – India will never rise above its humble origins and will forever be a “diamond in the rough” – thus never becoming the pristine jewel it could have been.
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