Marriages through matrimonial websites is a necessity today. As the two genders get more chance to mingle, the gap between two genders only widen. As relationship barriers to distinguish between a friend, paramour and a husband gets blurred out, more and more people get to these websites to find out their potential mates. But most of these relationships result in divorce.
So what are the factors that one can look into before one can select one’s soul mate through these websites. In a recent survey with the people who went through a rocky divorce after getting married through matrimonial websites, The Male Factor team has come to know about some of the best practices that one can follow. Even though these factors may not be enough but these can give some guidelines to the prospective brides and grooms in their endeavor to search their partners.
Pre marriage courtship
It was found in all cases of failed marriages, that the parties hardly met each other before marriage. There was hardly one or two F2F interactions before the marriage was finalized. So there was no chance of them to know each other. It was more difficult for them to gauge the other person’s mentality, behavior, likes and dislikes. In cases where the person had interaction of 100 hours or more it was found that these were only through online chat or knowing them from a distance.
Psychologists and marriage counselors suggest that the couples should get to know each other for at least 1.5 years in F2F dates twice a week with each date extending for 2-3 hours. This time is needed to know each other personal preferences and behavior that helps the couple in future bonding.
Most of the survey respondents complained that they didn’t know their partner well before getting married.
Location / language no barrier
It was found in the survey that the couples with failed marriages did not have any language or locational barrier in most cases. In many cases there were no other difference (like caste, religion etc.) as well.
The factors that attracted the respondents
Here are some of the factors listed by the male respondents as reasons of selecting their previous spouse.
Factors like her – look, job, cool nature, high respect for grooms family before marriage, willingness to be a part of our family, education, culture, personality (look and silent nature), intelligence, innocence, generous and kind to people, acceptable thoughts, open and jolly nature etc. were the deciding factors for men.
The respondents also told the factors they considered in bride’s family while selecting the bride. These are – Same caste, poor and humble family, father/mother a teacher, frank and open minded nature (later turned out to be fake in many cases), limited social circle, educated, same social background, simple living, well natured family, self-made etc.
It is observed in one case that the respondent knew the girl and her family for around 7200 hours before their marriage and found her bahaviour to have changed after marriage.
If we look at the above factors closely we will find that the survey respondents have taken care of almost every factor one could look for, yet they had suffered a broken relationship. Only one factor that was found common in most cases barring a few, is very less to nil F2F interaction between the two families. In many cases the respondents went ahead without even interacting with her family or without caring to know about them since they thought it was the girl who mattered the most.
Factors that experts say a ‘No’-‘No’ while selecting a girl
Experts who handle such cases and help the male victims by counseling them say that a man needs to be careful about the girls who –
- Hide any information
- Boast about their rejection criteria of boys
- Highly qualified but not earning
- Reside in far away location from that of the boy
- Go out with friends with common friends or in groups
- Ask for well earning grooms
- Give you late replies on Whatsapp
- Doesn’t share social media profiles
- Are from affluent families, have politicians, lawyers, judges, police in their families
Almost all the respondents agreed that girls very often post fake profiles on websites. To be cautious one would need to verify their hard proofs of all documents. (Ever heard of background verification that big companies do?)
This survey revealed that in most cases, the men got married to the girls simply based on their physical beauty and did not do any background verification. They got married in a hurry within a few weeks of knowing each other. While most of the victims have agreed that a thorough background verification with physical verification of all original documents is a must.
Male counseling experts thus have words of caution for men trying to get married through online websites. Veteran male counselor Mr. Swarup Sarkar who has counseled hundreds of such victims suggests –
“Meeting girl’s mother and sister is must. If they are dominating in nature you are going to face problem. Check the relation her mother had with her own in-laws and her own family. If her mother did not have a good relation with her in-laws, rest assure, she is also not going to give any respect to your parents or other relatives. Ask her how many times does she go to paternal relatives and how many times she goes to maternal relatives in a year.”