Many reach out to me for help, including women. In a recent email, one of my woman readers, wrote to me to highlight the ‘oppression’ she is going through in her married life. This email is a classic example how women make up stories against their husband and in-laws, and hence sharing the email with my views below –
She – I was a “party girl” in their opinion which means liking to dress up, new clothes, meeting friends once/twice a month, going out for dinner on weekends, etc., they thought I needed to control my spending and hence, my salary was transferred every month to an account my father-in-law controls. They gave me Rs. 2500 a month as pocket money for my feminine needs, petrol or anything else I wanted to do. I could save about Rs. 250 – Rs. 500 after all my personal hygiene purchases and petrol and twice a year, I could save enough to buy something nice. One used to become a gift for my husband on his birthday and one something for me. After 8 years of marriage, my pocket money is Rs. 6000 today and so I can save a little more.
TMF – Now I see the crap. You are a CA, your salary is transferred to an account you don’t control. Difficult to digest. Never happens in today’s world.
She – Because all my money is handled by my father-in-law and because I am a woman (no matter a chartered accountant), I don’t have a say in what happens to that money, I am told by my husband it is invested.. Where, in whose name, all these things are should not be my concern if I trust him.
TMF – Again, can’t be believed. We are not in medieval India. You are hiding more than what is told here. Or it’s just a feminist rant.
She – If I need to buy clothes, my parents have to buy it for me because after all, my parents claim to love me so naturally they have to take care of my needs. My husband is very gracious enough to buy me 2-3 clothes a year over which my in-laws gush over like “look at our son, he is buying things for his wife”.
TMF – Sounds like you are preparing a sample DV template. Even in my DV case these were mentioned. “My husband doesn’t give me anything”, while I used to buy her everything or rather she used to get her things from my money even without me knowing it.
She – We have an 8-year-old son. My in-laws have told me that they believe that if they buy things for an unmarried kid, it brings them bad luck. So, all his clothes, school bag, water bottle, etc. is bought by my parents. Again, my in-laws and husband are gracious enough that they buy his school dress, toys and some gifts.
TMF – In a josh of scripting a story, you probably didn’t notice that you have contradicted yourself in this one para. If your in-laws thought buying an unmarried kid anything would bring bad luck, why on earth they would give him anything?
She – There was a lot of mental warfare. Taunting, constant belittling. I tried talking to my husband and he would shut me out in the initial years because no one likes to believe their parents are torturing someone right? Afterall parents are always the best. So, he told me to deal with things myself and not bug him after a hard day at work.
TMF – He said it right. You should have known how to handle people without complaining to him.
She – I think I changed a lot over time. I had a lot of friends. I was outgoing, I was a book lover, I was a smart girl, I had a national rank in Chartered Accountancy exams, I had everything going for me. I really miss the person I used to be. Today, I don’t have friends, I know my friends love me, but we drifted apart. I just speak to them on birthdays or updates about life, nothing meaningful. I almost lost my job once. Have to say my husband spoke to my boss and I got to keep it. But I’m not the same.
TMF – ..and yet you ask me or anyone to believe that whatever you said so far is true? If you tried to portray through your story that this is how ‘so many’ women are losing their life through the bondage called ‘family’; let me tell you, you were supposed to learn to handle people and situations before marriage. Either your being national rank holder in CA is a lie or the rest of the story. You decide which one.
She – I have lost the zeal I used to have to prove myself. Everything feels like a task. Waking up, working, doing my job, everything. I try to find things I might be interested in. Read books sometimes. Watch TV series, but it all is a front to let my mind drift away. I seldom remember what I am watching. My eyes are on the TV/tab and my mind is always a million miles away.
TMF – So, you are basically trying to portray that you are oppressed in your family, I wish men learnt these tricks to portray their feelings. I see them going mad in managing all corners but continuing in the same family with a smile with a false sense of control over everything. I wish some men will earn to write stories now.
She – Anyhow, I got pregnant. It got difficult with his family. How a girl’s family tries to teach wrong things to her/kid, become possessive over girl without understanding that she is married, how great in-laws I have, how it is only virtuous people who can give birth to boys (we are two sisters by the way so you know where this is going), how they will only accept a boy. This boy thing went on for quite some time to an extent that my mother-in-law asked the gynec to let her know the gender because “who knows how long they were going to be alive”. The gynec had to shut her down politely. I tried talking to my husband about this. He was very clear – if I can have preference for a girl, they can have preference for a boy. And if I am truly a rational person as I was asking him to be, I will understand this. Well.. I am not sure whether to be thankful I got a son in the end. I almost prayed to God to give me a girl just to spite them. But well, I turned out to be virtuous afterall, or their virtues far exceed my vices so god blessed their son with a son.
TMF – Now the story of son preference that you want me to believe is not impressive one. Son-preference always prevails in the mothers, not in the fathers. It’s not only proven psychologically but also historically. Read my article on historical analysis of India’s son preference.
She – During pregnancy, my husband told me he was attracted to a colleague of his. He told me he wasn’t going to do anything about it, the saint that he was. But he was attracted, and he was kind enough to accept to me. When I was going through all this shit, he found time to talk, mingle, get attracted to a colleague. I am sure there is much more than what he tells me because I received an email from this so-called colleague of his with a link to some self-help article on “How to retain husband’s attention?”. I checked his email and he had received a mail with a link to “Why not to have a relationship with a married man”.
TMF – Good attempt with your story, not easy to believe though. I know how men are doing in the dating world. And he was a married ordinary man, not a celebrity. So, telling me that your husband was having affairs one after another is not only funny but highly imaginary. Also, I find you accessing his emails very frequently, do you even have any idea that it’s breaching his privacy?
…and I am also concerned that your husband is so stupid that he keeps his email open for you all the time or does everything on emails knowing well that you will check that. Does he even know that there is a password reset option in emails? Or is it a simple lie from you that just became too much.
She – He used to call her a “Sexy Bitch” and I know he used to chat with her every night for at least 2-3 hours. All minute updates. He even shared our pregnancy updates with her. Instead of speaking to me about how excited he was to be a dad, all those moments were shared with her. You get the drift right?
TMF – If I were a feminist or if I were desperate to catch a sad deprived woman into an illicit relationship, I would have definitely got the drift. But hard-luck girl, I am an MRA.
She – This time I didn’t believe him and told him I will forward the email to his parents, to my parents and let them tell me what it means because I was so stupid. He begged and begged. And I forgave again on a condition that he will never speak to her about anything other than work. He continued his friendship, promises to an idiot wife be damned, and they were friends up until my son turned 5 when she got married. He told me he was a decent guy and stopped talking to her because he didn’t want their friendship to cause a trouble in her marriage. Tells me how much respect he has for his own marriage and a wife he claims to love.
TMF – Wow!! You have tracked him for 5 years and knew exactly when he terminated his relationship. You are a gem. Maybe you should try writing fairy tales for Hollywood.
If you like articles on this site, please like and share and follow this blog to get fresh articles delivered directly to your inbox.