Recently, I have received a really looooooong email from a feminist seeking my advice. Even though she knew this is an MRA site and this site helps only men, she wanted an opinion from a non-feminist in her case. From her initial email, I thought she wanted to know my perspective from generic feminist/gender issues. But the email was her personal case and it was so long, and one-sided that despite my best efforts I could not read it in one sitting.
Here I present the email in three parts and TMF replies after every paragraph to make it easy for everyone (only some minor grammar changes is done) –
She – I think my marriage is crumbling and I don’t have enough fight in me to do anything about it. There is a lot of clutter – expectations from his parents, my expectations, his expectations. All of these are in different directions. My husband and I are inherently different persons.
TMF – You should have checked your inherent compatibility before marriage.
She – I am more “feminist kind” as he likes to point out every time. I think this really is the crux of a lot of issues I face with him/his parents.
TMF – So you understand where feminism has taken women. The word is hated so much that no one wants to be associated with it; neither you nor him.
She – In their eyes, a woman is supposed to be strong and willing to sacrifice everything. Her parents, her family prior to marriage suddenly should be ‘relatives’ and not really family after she marries. Because she has a new set of parents, a husband, a home, some years down the line a kid; and she needs to forget about her parents. But her parents are supposed to remember her, help her – just financially though, no emotional bonding or as my in-laws like to call it “emotional blackmail”.
TMF – Read my latest interview with a Vedic feminist here where she explained the best feminist world for women. As you mentioned later, you are from a different state, remembering your parents too much may take away your focus from your own family. Those who live away from their family know this problem. When I first came out of home, I too was homesick. The only way to avoid that is to grow new interests in the new place.
Also, it is noticed that more a woman’s parents try to help her, more she gets away from her new family and hence such comments start coming from in-laws. It really becomes emotional blackmail. Since I didn’t get your in-laws perspective, it won’t be good to say anything else.
She – We had a lot of problems since the beginning. I was blind I must say. Really blind. Or at least that is what I think sometimes.
TMF – At times we all are blind. This blindness is sometimes needed in relationships. But one should be wise enough to come out of this blindness and correct the vision.
She – We didn’t know each other well enough to get married. We met, liked each other, there was attraction surely, and he proposed to me. I said yes. All this happened in just 3 months of meeting each other. With living in different cities, it’s not like we even met every day. It was my first relationship; I didn’t know what to expect. I was in love; I don’t know how I thought I loved someone without knowing him completely. I believed people are always inherently good.
TMF – Knowing someone completely is a myth, it never happens. Only one needs to check the basic compatibility of the moral character of the person. People also change over time and may not be predictable in advance.
I have never seen any woman marrying someone because he is ‘good’. I have studied thousands of cases. Always money, citizenship, govt job etc matters for women. So, it’s unlikely that it was your case either.
She – After 6 months of meeting first, we legally got married because I had to apply for a passport and he wanted me to take his name (You should know that I feel my father’s name was what I was identified with for a long time. But since he was quite into it and since I wanted him happy, I did it. I don’t regret it. My first name is the same and that was what I focussed on. But he knew I was reluctant and he holds a grudge about it).
TMF – OMG!! You want me to believe that you married in haste because you needed a passport and he wanted his name in it, and despite being a feminist you were in a hurry to include his name in your passport. You know that is too much to imagine. But still, it was your choice, what can I say?
She – We really married with 7-pheras etc. a year later. A few days after our legal marriage, I found messages on his phone (I snooped because I could feel something was off) where he was chatting regularly day and night to a girl he introduced to me as his best friend. The messages were always ended with love you, kisses etc. When I confronted him, he told me this was his ex-gf and that she had not married him because her family didn’t want her to marry into non-jain family. But she continued her platonic relationship despite being married to someone else, as did he, despite making a commitment to someone else. He told me this was just his way of making her realise what she would be missing and he didn’t feel anything for her after her betrayal – clearly you see this is crap right? But I didn’t. I believed. I forgave.
TMF – Again, you see how Feminism is ruining your life. Remember Deepika Padukone’s My Choice video? This is what feminists want in women’s life. Great uncertainty. It has now become some other girl’s choice to ruin your life. I can’t comment about your stupidity you mentioned. Maybe you can try yoga and meditation every morning to help yourself.
She – Few months into our actual wedding, I found emails to her on his laptop, same lines. Although this time, it was little more graphic, was her health ok, was her husband treating her right, was she getting her medicines on time, was she getting her periods on time, him asking her not to communicate on social media with him where everyone could see and that it should be enough for both of them that they remembered each other, etc. etc. This time he told me he was worried about me because my mom had thyroid (and so possibly I could have in future too) and so he kept in touch with her because she also had thyroid and he wanted to know how she managed her health. Again, you see this is crap, right? Well, I was an idiot. My gut continued to smell something, but I believed.
TMF – So, you are a habitual sneaky person? Women always demand that the husbands sneaking into their mobile are invading their privacy, what about this behaviour? Regarding, your being idiot, I can’t comment. Your mother needed to think about it when you were a child. Because one ad for a children’s health drink says, “90% brain development in humans before 5-years’ of age”. Maybe she didn’t raise you properly and your in-laws are right. Now it’s too late, though you can try yoga and meditation early morning to improve your brainpower.
She – I think eventually he did stop talking to her because I have never found anything after that. But hey, what’s stopping from emailing and then deleting them, right? She is in a different country, so maybe he stopped. At least I think he did.
TMF – This confirms you are an unnecessarily suspicious person. Even when you thought he stopped talking, you still want to sustain your suspicion. Very harmful to any relationship.
She – All along this drama, there is the family drama going on – his parents’ constant complains that I don’t know how to cook, how to manage a house, I am not fit to be called a woman, my parents have not taught me well, my parents are not good people, my mom is from a different religion so that makes my dad stupid to marry her and my family not good enough, my dad is egoistic, I am too ‘sophisticated’ and not grounded, I was too outgoing, I was a party girl and not a homely girl, etc. etc. etc. They didn’t like if I spoke to my parents once a week, if my parents visited us or if I wanted to visit my parents. They still don’t keep in touch with my parents, only time the two set of parents talk is on mutual birthdays/anniversaries or when my parents call them.
TMF – So, you didn’t know household work? Well, if you ever thought that was your ‘right’ in your life, you could have simply clarified that to them before marriage. Many women do. Regarding other allegations, I can’t comment from a distance without knowing the other side version.
She – I have been called lose character for having male friends, I have been called ‘asanskari‘ for not knowing how to cook certain dishes, my mum has been called things because ‘she didn’t teach me to cook faster, etc’. I can’t go into it much without losing my damn mind, but it went on and on and on and on.
TMF – Now if you tell me to believe that all these just happened in a one-sided manner, I can’t. You just missed telling me what all you did, or you replied. But in any case, in these domestic matters, a mutual solution without the presence of a third party (like me) is best, because most often such one-sided stories are farther from the truth.
— End of Part 1 —
This email will not be published anymore as the sender has requested not to make this public. Imagine, if this was not a false story made up by her, why should she be afraid of? In the subsequent part of the email, she went on to complain that her husband has several relationships etc. From the dating life of Indian men, we know how well men are doing in their dating life. 🙂 so, it’s important to understand how women tell lies about their matrimonial relationships. Watch out for such lies in their sob stories.
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To be a good wife a woman needs to forget about her parents……I’m as antifeminist as anybody. When antifeminism isn’t just blatant misogyny, which it really shouldn’t be.
A wife is still a human being. She should have as much of a relationship with her parents as she wants.