I was doing research for the success recipe of love marriages for a few years but couldn’t find any answer until one of my avid readers C J Sledgehammer showed me some direction towards this. He told me what marriage counselors in US claim to be success recipe of love marriages. The detailed comment that he had made on my blog prompted me to conduct a survey among my readers to understand Indian dynamics of love marriages. The result is startling and supports all that he had said.
Looks like, there are hardly any differences in the success factors of love marriages in different parts of the globe. Here are the observations (we have considered marriages that have crossed seven years and still going strong as successful love marriage) –
Hope it helps my readers. Thanks for being awesome.
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The Male Factor (TMF) 
Well done, Partha, and thank you for the tribute.
I would just like to mention that if 50% of those who have sex before marriage are headed for an unsuccessful marital venture, then one can hardly look at the survey and conclude that “sex before marriage is not a bad idea.” If the success rate were 90%, 80% or even 70%, one could reasonably conclude that premarital sex is a good idea (based on the numbers), but a 50% success rate means that the chance of failure is just as good – making it a risky proposition at best.
Partha, we know what American marriage counselors recommend to couples and we know about India’s super-quick arranged marriages, but what do you think is the answer? The woman I loved was given 30 minutes to speak with a wealthy stranger and because things went rather well, the wedding was set 30 days later. In this case, and in cases like her’s, what are India’s sons and daughters to do, in light of the knowledge you have shed on this issue?
How could my sweetheart be expected to make a wise decision and come to a proper conclusion in 30 minutes, when we know it takes a minimum of 1.5 years and 300 hours of togetherness, in order to accurately gauge compatibility and weed-out the pretenders? I am afraid I just don’t understand what India is doing. Please advise.
Peace be with you
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Dear Sledgehammer,
As you know, you are probably my most valued and knowledgeable reader. I wrote “sex before marriage is not a bad idea” because there are considerable number of successes in premarital sex cases as well. My comment was more from Indian perspective as we Indians think that we should not have sex before marriage. Even I thought that in successful love marriages it will be more platonic than physical. But the survey revealed that it is less platonic and more physical. But physical with constraints as you said, 1.5 years and 300 hours with 2-3 hours dating each time.
I should thank you again and again for your insights into this problem I was dealing with for years.
Coming to your situation, she was probably attracted to money. Also I feel , an ‘Indian’ sentiment worked in her. Indians are still not very open to marry foreign nationals if we need to come back to India. Not sure of her psychology 100% as I did not meet her in person. I somehow feel, she didn’t love you, she was just keeping you in her stride and was looking for someone else. It was better that you didn’t marry her. Probably you are saved.
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Partha:
I felt a pain in my chest when you declared that my sweetheart “was probably attracted to money.” I felt a lump in my throat when you said, “I somehow feel, she didn’t love you, she was just keeping you in her stride and was looking for someone else.” My eyes misted over when you suggested, “It was better that you didn’t marry her.” I then labored to breathe when you replied, “Probably you are saved.”
My friend, the things you said to me (just now) have cut me deeply. Yet, I know you care for me like a brother, though we live on opposite ends of the world. I thought a lot about what you have said and I have come to the conclusion that even though the truth can hurt…truth conquers all.
I hate to admit it, but you may be right on every count. In fact, somewhere…deep down – I know I loved her more than she loved me. That would explain everything that happened in our relationship and why things went down the way they did.
And, yes, it is quite possible that she was hoping to keep me “in play”, but to what end? Why keep me around if she was soon to be married? Why keep me around if she really didn’t wish to marry me? Why would a devout Christian woman invite me to see her…after her wedding?
I am confused: She said she couldn’t marry a foreigner, but then turned right around and said that if her marriage didn’t work out – she would marry me (and gave me her word of honor). Then, as her marriage began to falter, she restated that she could never marry a foreigner and bring shame to her family…thus messing with my mind and making me into an official basket-case.
At this moment in time…I am sorry I met her. I have never loved a woman so deeply, yet came away with nothing other than heartache, pain, confusion and self-doubt. For the life of me, I cannot understand why I ever gave her access to my heart, why I believed in her words, how I got suckered-in and why I am so damn foolish!!!
Never again…I pledge…Never again!!!
Thank you, Partha, for helping me face the music and confront the truth. Although it stings…my Lord is with me, so victory will inevitably be mine!!!
Peace be with you
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OMG!! so my guess was right? Looks like I understand women psychology then, even though you didn’t mention this part of the story earlier.
I can feel for you but after marriage she would have always looked outside marriage for love. No it is not physical but I am hinting at emotional bent. Now it is confirmed, women get the audacity to do this because we men don’t dump them very often over trivial issues. Now I am confirmed, you were saved a greater pain by not marrying her..
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Partha:
Why do you think she would look outside our marriage for love? If I am the only man who has ever “loved” her and the only man to ever make her feel loved – why would she need to look outside our marriage for love?
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It is because we Indians still like In Indians.. Yeah we are so conservative. Never ever encourage her again.. Let her die.. For your emotional need.. Read my articles on depression.. I am sure they will help.. For any other help.. You can always contact me through the Contact Me section..
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I am confused: She said she couldn’t marry a foreigner, but then turned right around and said that if her marriage didn’t work out – she would marry me (and gave me her word of honor).
We stupid men do not understand , today Indian Women keep not only their second , even third or fourth option ready , if their husband does not turned left , she she demand or turn right when she demand to turn right.
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Absolutely.. Your idea is right.. That is how cruel it can get..
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Stop Abuse:
Make no mistake – I am the one who is confused.
She said she couldn’t wait to marry me (if God allowed), but then a week later would say that our love was “forbidden”. Another week would pass by and she would say she wanted me in every way possible and dreamed of marrying me, but then countered with “I cannot marry a foreigner”.
A month would go by, then she said that she would marry me if her marriage failed, and gave me her word of honor, but as soon as it began to falter she redacted her promise and reconfirmed that she could never marry a foreigner. I was so confused…I didn’t know if I was coming or going. She ebbed and flowed like ocean waves upon the shore and kept me guessing at every turn.
I had always wondered how it was acceptable to marry her after she divorced, but not before? I questioned her and told her that this made no sense, because I would still be a foreigner regardless of the circumstances, so the timing of our marriage had nothing to do with it. She never gave me an answer. Now that I think about it…she left many of my questions unanswered – that’s why it has been so hard for me to move on. I guess I still don’t know what to believe.
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Perhaps I was her romantic “Plan B-er” and honorable “Second Stringer”.
I cannot be sure, but I think I got played.
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Sad but true.. Well.. I I’ll try to find an answer for men.. I am sure dating gurus from west have answer
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I told her we had to end things on her wedding day, because I did not want to encourage an emotional affair. She said she understood, but kept reaching out to me – even inviting me to see her while her husband was away. I declined.
To this day, I am not sure what she had on her mind, but she had claimed to love me just as much as I loved her…that’s what makes it so hard to digest. I just have to think that if she truly loved me as much as she said – she would be with me now, regardless of the circumstances.
But, then again, perhaps she loved her parents more? Perhaps she loved the Indian culture more? Perhaps she loved me, but not enough to take the leap? I guess I’ll never know for sure, but as time marches on…the less I care.
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Nothing will work for Men , except :
If your wife say , turn left, you have to turn left , if she says turn right , you have to turn right.
Rest all bawaks , you date for 2 years or 20 years , you date 300 hours or 300000 hours. We have witness cases lovers for more than 5 to 7 years before marriage , some are even from collage or school itself, as today the incentive for a divorced women ( socially, financially, freedom, chose multiple partners) is much more than stay as married women in India.
Thanks to all anti-men , unfair , baised law like 498A , DV act, CRPC125 , Section24 , Dowry law , where a allegation of Name calling for Men is crime, but for women even adultery is not a crime.
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Stop Abuse:
At the end of the day…if a woman’s heart is dishonorable – she will divorce for any reason under the sun regardless of how long the courtship lasted. You are right about that.
I think you are also right to believe that when it comes to marriage – women tend to be “all or nothing”. Either a man gives her his all (and does her bidding at each turn) or he is out on his ear and gets nothing.
It really is ironic, but in the 1950’s American women were afraid men would not want to marry them anymore because the electric washing machine hit the markets, as well as the electric dish washer. Many women were convinced that men would not need them anymore because they could wash their own dishes and wash their own clothes, essentially putting wives out of business.
What I find interesting, is that women (in the 1950’s) were judging men based upon a woman’s perspective. This is to say that women would forsake men…if men were of no more use to them, proving that men are more loving and family oriented than women (because they had the chance to forsake women…but did not).
This proves that a man will marry a woman because he loves her and because he wants to start a family with her, while women marry men for utility, comfort, security and as a means to an end. I believe this is why women seem so cold-hearted and cruel in divorce court, because they cannot see a man as a “person”, when he is considered “a way” to an end or as “an answer” to a problem.
Peace be with you
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Dear CJ,
Now your case and her mind is clear to me. She is the confused breed and greedy one too. Probably she wants to please everyone and can’t take her own decisions. NO, it is not good. Even if she gets divorced (snatches money from her husband) and marry you, she will still contact her Indian husband and sob. Best treatment for these girls is to avoid them in all possible ways. NEVER, contact her and snap all your ties. She may get revengeful to you if it is too late. So, even if she contacts you, just don’t entertain. No picking up her phone, no reading her mails, no emotional drama. rather, tell her if possible you got married, even if it is false.
I am serious when I say, she may be revengeful to you because women always want to make someone (a male) a scapegoat. You will be her softest target after her divorce (if at all) because she will blame you for divorce, her unhappiness and being a foreigner you will be susceptible.
So no thinking about her. Rather be MGTOW.
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It is commendable effort to move forward to bigger connect with society who don’t understand just 498A.
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