Finding True Love

Bone of Contention
Previous – Of Sex, Rape and False Rape

This article is third in my Kamasutra series of exploring human sexuality. This article and the next will try to find out how we can find out our true love or whether there is something called a true love exists in the world.

In recent times, growing divorce rates in the world makes everyone wonder about the real issues in finding our life partners. Being associated with men’s groups and having spoken with men who suffered relationship jitters in their lives, so far I had failed to get to any conclusion to get a right life partner from a man’s perspective. However, my recent reading of “A Passionate Gospel of True Love” by author Poonam Uppal helped me get the other side of the picture from a feminine perspective and to get to an answer to this issue of getting a partner for life.

Passionate Gospel of True Love

Apart from being a review of the book, this article and the next in this series will consider the feminine perspective of definition of true love from this book.

I have always wondered what makes us choose a life partner. With more marriages falling apart, question arises whether we are finding the right life partner at all.

I have seen both love and arranged marriages breaking apart within a few years of marriage. I have also seen that cruelty experienced by men in some love marriages is more compared to that experienced by men in their arranged marriages. I felt that the love marriages were breaking more compared to arranged marriages but that feeling was never backed by any statistics. Mostly, I found men being clueless about their relationship issues and hence I could not get any definite solution to the issue. One reason I felt was men not being responsive to the subtle cues they receive from their partners. This is because women have the tendency of giving subtle and indirect cues, and men being straightforward in their nature ignoring all of them. This book gave me the feminine perspective of relationship issues that could help men understand the cues they get from their life partners.

Before I delve into the issue of finding true love it is important that we understand that there exists three different types of men and women in terms of their sexual drive. Vatsayana had shown us the classification in his work Kamasutra.

Based, on dimension, force or desire of passion and time of passion, Vatsayana had classified men and women. According to this, there are three classes of women namely – female deer, a mare and a female elephant. Men are classified as the hare man, the bull man and the horse man. Basically what Vatsayana meant by this classification was that sexual drive of different individuals are different and hence the union of different types of individuals will lead to different results.

Khajuraho Sculpture

If we look into our personal relations today, we will find that most of the marriages have problem of sexual incompatibility as the partners are not chosen based on these sexual drives. So it is natural that most of the relations undergo such problems even without the partners realizing the real issues or discussing about them. Even though Vatsayana had defined ways to satisfy the partner in a sexual incompatibility situation but most of the people getting into relationships are not aware of them. Result, most marriages bleed internally until those fall apart in a bitter way.

In all divorce situations a man suffers most atrocities. When a man’s sexual drive is more compared to that of the woman, he is termed as the rapist and is liable to be punished under marital rape and domestic violence; whereas when his desire is less compared to that of his partner, he is considered to be impotent. In both cases the man is held responsible for the sexual incompatibility and the woman is compensated. Many of our marriages survive sexual incompatibility because the man continues to play the provider and protector role and women stay happy with property, kids and jewellery.

In this book Poonam Uppal (Moh) brings about the need of finding one’s true love. Even though she did not talk about sexual incompatibility of the couples, I found it of paramount importance and thus brought it to focus.

There are different factors that a man and a woman looks for while selecting a life partner. This video by the researchers of Discovery TV shows us what women find attractive in men –

It is surprising but true that sexual attractiveness of men comes from his ability of being a provider and protector for his family. This is the ancient nature of men that had created a patriarchal system and made men the provider and protector. This experiment showed that no matter how modern a woman becomes, she still wants her man to own up all responsibilities in the family and act as the provider and protector. The example of a car showing the personality of the man who owns the same and thus attracting women is nothing but showing his capability of protecting her in real life.

The imaginary hike in man’s salary increasing his sexual attractiveness and perceived sexual compatibility also shows us that women want their life partners to be providers for them. It does not matter how empowered and independent she is. This characteristic desired by women in their life partners makes gender equality a myth, because women in true sense do not want equality. They want their partners to own them up completely while giving them space for their freedom.

Problem is a man owning a woman and a man giving her personal space can’t go hand in hand and conflicts are bound to happen. A man who owns up his life partner is expected to set her boundaries, be jealous when she openly goes out with other men or be angry over her freely mingling with other unwanted men who may be his competitors. It thus leaves a huge grey area for the men trying to follow this, making him either a lenient idiot or a stubborn chauvinist. Both kinds of men are put off as life partners for women. It thus completely depends on the woman to decide on a relationship and they become solely responsible for breaking of all relationships.

Khajuraho Sculpture 2Coming to the discussion about this book, the author tried to search for her true love, we do find this inconsistency in her behaviour as a lover as well. Initially she got attracted to a successful, NRI doctor cum entrepreneur Soorya and got married to him. But after a few years of her marital life, she understood that he was not her true love and drifted away from the relationship. She projected Soorya as a bad lover in-spite of being a good provider and protector. The more he tried to play the role of being a provider and a protector; more he failed. The author here complained of less or no physical or mental intimacy between them. Her husband being always too busy in his work to provide them better amenities failed miserably as a lover.

We see when a suave and sophisticated Soorya could not hold his charm to his life partner for long, a less sophisticated and less cultured Gaur could win her heart. Soorya was chivalrous but Gaur was not. Soorya never failed to open the door for his woman and Gaur didn’t care about such niceties, in social status and thus in terms of his protector and provider quotient Soorya was much ahead than Gaur, and moreover Soorya was married to Moh (the author) and Gaur was married to someone else. Still we find it was Gaur for whom Moh fell in love with.

The story unveils through different acts and daily routines how Gaur reacted and didn’t care much about niceties but simply became authoritarian in their relation. The way Gaur’s character was illustrated by the author one would feel how could be one so persistent in a relation. Some might feel that it was an extramarital relation for both and probably that was the reason both were charmed by each other. But, here we find that even Gaur didn’t care about sex in their first few meetings, rather it was Moh who wanted sex badly to consummate their relation and Gaur rejected. His philosophical answer that he wanted Moh as his life partner and hence did not care about sex hurt Moh and had taken her further from the relation.

But while a platonic relation built up between Moh and Gaur, both of them went further from their own families they didn’t think of uniting together. Moh could not divorce her husband who was a nice provider and protector for her and her daughter Hreem. On the other hand Soorya could not divorce his wife as he was scared of social backlash but they went on loving each other. In the meantime Soorya had become more possessive about Moh. So much possessive that he started questioning her sleeping with Soorya in the same room and we get surprised to see Moh giving explanation to him that Soorya did not touch her.

Soorya who was going all out to support an empowered wife who he thought as his life partner, Moh who was a fashion designer by her credit and who belonged to a good family and could easily provide for herself went on cheating on him without his fault. The moment someone’s wife gives such explanations to men outside their marriage, that moment the marriage should be considered as null and void. Poor Soorya did not get a hint of this as he had given all freedom to his wife.

This is where I started hating Moh for ruining the life of a nice gentleman. If she really didn’t love Soorya, she should have had gone out of the marriage instantly. She was concerned about Hreem and her inability to provide for her the way Soorya was doing. But when she as a mother was not ready to give birth to Hreem as she didn’t want to have a child with Soorya, then why she didn’t leave both of them when she didn’t feel the warmth in a relationship. This in a way confirmed my belief that no matter how much empowered women are, they still love free lunch at the expense of men. We need to remember that Moh was not typical average Indian woman who would cling to a relationship simply because she is getting everything provided for her. She needed love and admired physical bonding more than expensive gifts as per her own confession.

We also get surprised that an empowered woman like Moh liked high possessiveness of a comparatively unsophisticated person like Gaur. Gaur started dictating terms for her in terms of people she should talk to or mingle with. Gaur’s calling him as Jaan (Hindi for life) from a very early stage in their relation surprises us as they met in a relation of a vendor / client and not even as friends. Also on many occasions Gaur had shown his weak nature of following his parents and family members’ dictates and showing that he was a weak and submissive person to his family.

In the meantime Moh meets another super-handsome influential businessman Ayush Kapoor and we find Moh considering him as life partner instantly. When she fell for Ayush she had all negative thoughts about Gaur with him she was having a fling. Immediately she started thinking of how Gaur never highly tipped waiters in big hotels, how he had always ordered typical Punjabi dishes in Chinese restaurants, how he had never shown good dressing sense, how he was concerned about soaring prices and small wastages in life, how he could never innovate in terms of wooing his woman and telling different things than just I Love You, how he never bothered about her feelings for him. Here we find the complexities of relationship dynamics in a woman. Her perceived life partner can be a piece of shit in one instant the moment she meets another more influential or suave man, and if this is the generic nature of women then I am not surprised why men think of women as opportunists. She even confessed in her book of being attracted to Sid (Gaur’s dictator brother) once.

As a reader, I was confused as to what she really wanted in her life partner. I felt she herself did not know what she was looking for and that happens when a woman is highly pampered from childhood. This happens when she gets everything from her childhood and eventually becomes highly confused individual.

The author describes true love as finding out our other half in this world, as she says every individual is half complete and his / her other half is somewhere else. They needed to find the other half they belong to and that person is their true love. She explained this with the concept of Ardhanarishwar from our Puran.

In describing sexual act and taking help of Upanishad the author reiterated the description of sex as the most sacred act and must come after the stage of love has been crossed. Sex becomes the most sacred act when two true lovers are involved. It brings liberation for both the man and the woman into each other. Taking cues from Brihadaranakya Upanishad she wrote –

Shiv Parvati - Khajuraho SculptureThe woman is the fire

Her womb the fuel

The invitation to man the smoke

The door is the flame.

Entering the embrace

Pleasure the spark

In this fire the gods form offering

From the offering, spring forth the child.

She had explained sex as offering by the male worshipper to his deity, his partner and Lingam being the offering. Every passionate whisper murmured when the lingam enters the cave or yoni becomes a prayer and offering to the deity.

Well I could not verify this from Upanishad but Kamasutra did explain sex as the most holy act. But the above definition of sex made me wonder, if sex is the offering by a man to a woman then why rape a crime for men, at all. Simply because the offering is unwanted how could it be considered a crime? Then how do we know that all our offerings to different gods are welcome by them and unless a god asks us for any offering we should not offer anything to them.

While I welcome answers from all of you regarding the question of rape being a crime, this series will continue as I continue to review the book and try to explore human sexuality.

Also give us your opinion, if you think you have found your true love yet

***

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5 thoughts on “Finding True Love

  1. I am really sorry for you as how smartly you have left the reasons for Moh not to like Soorya
    As I have read the book and I feel pity for Moh that she had to put up with a horrible man like Soorya. Please go back to the book Soorya was going around with many women Moh wasn’t
    Soorya was dumped by his girlfriend for sexual impotency as well as because of his highly selfish and unemotional nature.Soorya is a big show off who wants every thing American but he wants to have his wife behave at home like Indian. He wants to eat meat even beef outside but he doesn’t allow Moh to cook that at home .He has a wanna Be White complex and not Moh.
    Let me enlighten you about the book as you want to for no reason demean Moh who put up with this atrocities because she went against her family to marry a south Indian Brahmin and she knew she will get no support from her family.
    Again even to get married Soorya cheated her he showed her his cousin,s office which was very fancy but Soorya himself hardly earned good money. He never told her that he was having a partial impotency or he is frigid as till the end of the book Moh doesn’t know what exactly is his problem .Soorya is a mail chauvinistic pig that is what he is and how could you glorify a man who cant even have sex in first place and if he cant have sex why does he want to get married. Moh never had sex either with Soorya or Gaur for your information.

    Even before their marriage Soorya wanted to have a sexual relationship and check out if Moh was compatible but she refused as she came from a conservative background and Soorya went around sleeping with Debra. Soorya clearly tells in the book that Moh was his first choice but because she did not agree to sleep with him he went with Debra.

    Soorya also lied to her that he will live in India as he had no great job in India he was working in a research lab in USA and he hardly earned that well to get a girl from rich family so from the beginning he kept lying and lying he promised that they will live in India but when finally she took him to her family and introduced him and they said OK he tells her Oh I will have to go back but don’t worry I have my office we will come back but after marriage only she found out that he had nothing in India.
    After such a hurried marriage the guy stayed back in India for 3 months he seem a real big liar
    Once again for your information Mr Parth as an American citizen she will get a large sum as settlement and the house but she never filed for divorce that because Soorya begged her not to
    and told her to promise him that she will live with him until she found her TRUE LOVE.
    As a blogger you must do justice and do not write what suits you perhaps you are left by your woman but that is not Moh’s fault.
    Its a True Love Story. and its her journey she is not sleeping with very guy she is in search of her TRUE LOVE and as a very highly attractive woman she has great male following and she is telling the truth that how she felt about each man.And that is what is TRUE LOVE Gaur is the simplest not very rich or savvy guy but he is her Twin Soul and finally she falls in love with the guy who madly loves her and that is the truth.
    No woman can love a pretentious guy like Soorya who talks about sex before marriage but he is unable to have sex on the first night . On the second night of their marriage he is missing.When Moh’s brother ask Soorya what about your plan for honey moon he says what will we do there
    and you call that guy savvy Ha!! pity you.

    As per Moh he doesn’t take bath properly, he just goes to his office in shabby clothes, he only appreciates American culture and puts up a big show in front of his white friends. He is nil in bed and by the way until 6 years of his marriage he is hardly earning big money. As per the book Moh asks him you have cheated me in every thing that fancy office was not yours and you are no millionaire as you portrayed to marry me you hardly earn much in your job tell me the truth are you a doctor or that was also a lie and he says he is and only then she compels him to go for residency, but any way the guy is frigid he has no sexual feelings.

    And Soorya has to pay through his nose in the American court for not performing so Soorya is no hero.Gaur is not rich and does not know fancy pulling the chair show off but he still wins her heart .This shows woman always wants to be possessed by their men.And Soorya has done what lot of American return guys do cheat and lie and showoff to get nice girls and people believe them.

    One must be really non bias when writing the review perhaps you are upset because Soorya is a man and nothing more it can be because I am a reader and a fan of the author
    Poonaam Uppal who showed me a new meaning of LOVE. If you read the book properly you will be able to find your True Love.
    I wish you luck.
    Lily Khurana
    An avid reader

    Like

    1. In fact it was just the opposite. I have given the reasons with quotes from the book. Moh was going around liking many men and attracting them with her techniques..well I don’t blame her as both genders want to attract each other, but in the book it was mentioned that Soorya became insensitive and he was working hard all for his family with Moh. It was Moh who had left Soorya because of the reasons explained here. Currently I am busy with other assignments so I am not able to give detailed reply but reading the book definitely give a man enough confidence that women respect their husband’s dedication for their family. Your comment only confirms that all women are same. If you can show me with examples where you found Soorya going around with other women more than Moh herself I will agree with you…till then..see you

      Liked by 1 person

  2. High sexual drive could be a curse too. Ask me. When I was exposed to porn and started masturbating, I had crossed all limits. There were times when I used to masturbate 5 times or 6 times a day and then do once even the next day. My sexual promiscuity and aggressiveness was truly incomparable, a rare peak of sexual urge. I still have extremely high sexuak urge but since I have stopped watching porn, I do not masturbate. Such high drive is a curse and nothing else.

    One more thing, this sexual compatibility theory is bullshit. Every woman ( except the 5% of female population) can be sexually satisfied by an average man. Foreplay is the key to sexual satisfaction. A man may desire sex every day of the weak but an average woman is enough satisfied with an orgasm once every 3 months. She doesn’t have a Hugh sexual drive. Women have a quality drive , men have high sexual/ quantity drive. Only the first 2 inches of any woman’s vagina are vital to her satisfaction. What she needs is maintainaince of stamina, but many men (almost 35-40%) suffer from Premature ejaculation primarily due to the fact that they had masturbating habits and didn’t maintain sexual health henceforth. The same problem is with 30% men in west, all of this happens because of “porn”, you rarely find PE among men so common before the advent of porn era. Preservance of men is key to their sexual health. If you don’t believe me, then stop for an year and then masturbate, you might have elongated your stamina and timing multi times. A woman craves only for quality. She is not polygamous by nature but needs and craves for quality. Why were men in ancient India sexually very potent? Cheating was almost non existent but men were polygamous, why? Because never masturbated before or even after marriage, they only knew that there’s a place called Vagina to jerk off in.

    So, modern habits have ruined it. Women are confused because economic demands were never their own choice. They knew that they could only choose one partner for lifetime and then fucking pseudo selection western concepts like today didn’t exist.

    But all I have known is that high sexual drive is a disturbance. It should be controlled. Because the more you jerk in open air , the more you feel guilty for wasting a lot of energy. And who wants to be an addict to women,? I don’t. In a nutshell, our modern living habits are responsible. Females are sexually weaker, cause you need to satisfy them , they don’t want quantity. Men want quantity. Today’s females are polygamous because of equality they seek in the name of feminism. I know many females who do sex not for sexual urge but for expressing that they are equal to men. They are idiots. And I also said that there are those 5% who are sexually very active females. They are the ones who need to be coupled with highly sexual males , and quite a lot of males are promiscuous and have a high sex drivemuch more than females.

    It’s all a misconception, males are not educated that most of the times we end up masturbating off the limits and this habit leads to the problem of PE in further life. But PE can be cured, for instance, the subject must stop any sexual activity for 3 months and keep exercising all this time. You will see a great improvement, may even stretch as far as 10 minutes. Sexual compatibility is a false notion, and the problem is mostly with males who run after sex or masturbation far too early these days. Porn must be banned and boys must be educated about sexual health that if they want a healthy married life then better that they avoid jerking off and maintain exercise as a daily habit.

    Kamasutra also says that a non virgin woman shouldn’t be married with. Only a virgin should become your bride. But nobody talks about it. It is clearly written that a woman joined by other men or non virgin shouldn’t be married with.

    Virginity is important for women since their character determines whose child they are giving birth to. And modern contraceptives are more of a curse than boon, they are what brought openness among women.

    Like

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